In the Shade of the Night
by Wren Roxen
Summary: When L and Light get chained together and must be with each other all the time, their feelings become more than those of just rivals.
1. Chapter 1

Light did not object to being handcuffed to me so I could keep him under surveillance. Despite having being locked up, I'm still fairly sure he is Kira. In that moment, when he had gone from not resisting to pleading to be freed, I suspected something had occurred, that his power as Kira had disappeared, but he still was, at some point, Kira. I don't take my eyes off him now, as he lies boredly on the couch, toying with the handcuff which keeps him always within a few feet. I'm on a chair, waiting for him to say something, do something. Confess, give a sign that he is Kira, revert back to the state he was in when I had locked him up; But nothing changes. This goes on for a while, and after a piece of cake, a box of Pockys, and a bowl of strawberries, I start to be pulled down by symptoms of exhaustion. I haven't slept in the past three days. I don't want to sleep now, but if I don't, I might get lazy in my investigating.

I feel the chain pulling on my wrist, and see Light's arm hanging off the couch, eyes closed and mouth slightly open. I yank on the chain, but he doesn't wake up. I decide to just sleep in the chair. My eyelids are heavy and closing when I hear my name whispered. Fake name. It's Light.

"Ryuzaki? Are you asleep?" he asks. I open my eyes. It's dark, but I can see his eyes, and know he sees mine, as he says, "You're just going to sleep there?" I ask him where he expects me to sleep, and in response he shakes the chain.

"Did you think this through, Ryuzaki? With this, we're going to have to-"

"-be together all the time, I know," I say. "So? Do you have something against it?"

He shrugs. "We just can't sleep on a couch and a chair. And I don't want to share a bed with you, no offence."

"None taken, the feeling is mutual," I assure him. "I've arranged to have a room with two beds in it, if you would like to go to bed." I stand up and drag him along down the hall with me. "See?" I say, showing him the room. Two twin beds sit a foot apart in an otherwise empty room. There's a second door that leads to the bathroom. Light notices.

"How are we supposed to go to the bathroom?"

"You may have been confined for several days, but _that_ process hasn't changed,"I reply. He glares. "What? Oh, you mean with this?" I hold up my wrist with the cuff. "We keep our backs to each other."

He sighs and starts to undress, but then we realize it's impossible to take off a shirt with the cuffs, so I unlock for a few seconds, and then immediately click them back on.

"Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere," he tells me with a sigh. Then he climbs into his bed and I follow suit (not that I have much choice).

"Wake me up when you get up," I tell him, and then let myself fall asleep.

:)

When I open my eyes, it's around nine, and I hear L's soft snores coming from the other bed. _He works so hard, _I think. Then I remember he wanted me to wake him, so I shake the chain until I hear a break in the heavy breathing. He surprises me by bolting upright, his eyes flashing around in search of an attacker. But he sees me and relaxes again. I ask him what he plans to do today, and he just shrugs.

"After your confinement, I'm sure it would be nice for you to do something outdoors, hmm?"

"What, go in public tied to you? I don't think so," I counter.

"Well then, why don't we go see your lovely Misa? Being away from her for so long must have been horrible," he suggests. I sigh, and he raises an eyebrow questioningly, but I don't reply. I agree to see Misa, and we head down to her floor. She's just getting out of bed, but brightens when she sees me. Then she notices Ryuzaki, and complains about how if we're always together, she and I can never be alone together – which I don't mind.

Throughout the day, Misa becomes more and more miserable, but it's not her I notice. I can't help but see that Ryuzaki seems upset. I bring this up to him, and he admits that he is disappointed that I'm not Kira, and that catching Kira seems nearly impossible. This angers me. How could he just give up? I tell him he needs motivation, but he says he doesn't have much, and this causes me to lash out, punching him, hard, in the face. I'm furious, because I think he was just so caught up on me being Kira, and he wanted me to be, and now I'm not, so he's given up. I voice this, and he agrees. Then he returns my blow with a kick to the face, and I'm sent flying across the room, pulling him along with me.

We land on the couch, tipping it over. My breath is knocked out of me, and I hear Misa gasping. I catch my breath, and tell L that he sounds like he'll only be satisfied if I am Kira, which he also agrees to, filling me with a passionate rage that I channel into another punch. He warns me that he's stronger than he looks and retaliates before I can even react with another kick. I'm about to attack again when the phone rings and L jumps to get it. It's just Matsuda, but it's enough to calm us down a bit.

When we return to our room after dinner, I tell Ryuzaki I want to shower, and he doesn't object. I awkwardly shower, then towel off and throw my boxers on to go to bed.

"You just don't care who sees you naked, do you Light?" he asks me.

"I'm not naked," I retort. "And what about you? Are you self-conscious, Ryuzaki? I've never seen you without a shirt on."

"You've never been in the context to," he replies. "However, it doesn't matter to me if you see me without clothes on." To prove it, he unlocks his cuff and takes off his shirt, shrugging. It's amazing that, despite how much he eats, he's in such good shape. I look him over, and he's as fit as I am. He notices, and asks, "Why are you staring?"

"I'm notstaring," I snap back.

"I didn't mean to arouse your teenage hormones," he tells me mock-apologetically. I try to hit him, but he blocks me expectantly. He lets go of me and turns to go to bed, and I punch him in the back of the head, knocking him forward and onto the ground. I'm jerked forward and almost land on top of him, but catch myself on his bed. I glare into his wide, innocent eyes, and he gives me a tiny smirk, generating more anger from me. I punch him, and then again and again until his nose and lip start bleeding and my hands are covered in his blood. He doesn't stop me, but his smirk turns into a grin, and when I finally give up, he laughs quietly. I'm kneeling over him, breathing heavily, when he sits up and stares into my eyes. I can feel how close he is, his skin radiating pressure that builds up in the inch between us. His breath smells bloody, but he's still smiling.

"Alright, you win," he says. "Now let's go to bed, hmm?" I push him away from me and climb into my bed. Anger still bubbling, it takes me a while to fall asleep. I'm just going under when I realize why he was smiling – because he had envoked my reaction. He'd _wanted _me to hit him, to show weakness and lack of control. _He was taunting me. He didn't mean it when he said I won. _I fall asleep, dreaming of the day when I watch him die.


	2. Short AN

**A/N**

**Just a couple things you should know about me and my writing this fic.**

**-Sometimes it takes me half an hour to write one chapter, sometimes it takes half a day. It depends on my motivation, creativity, and distraction levels. But I'll try to post every day or every other day. **

**-I am trying to follow the plot of the anime, but I do add a lot (however, I will not **_**change **_**any events). For example, if there's a part in the anime where it goes from one scene to a scene three days later, well, those three days are mine to make up (within the general lines of the plot).**

**-A smilie face [ :) ] means there's a transition/scene change. It also usually means a POV change (from L to Light or vice versa).**

**-At this point, L is L and Light isn't in possession of the Death Note, so he's not Kira. So he's forgot all the Kira stuff and he's just Light. However, I believe that even as innocent Light, his subconscious still holds onto the time where he was Kira and that is where the majority of his hatred towards L comes from. (Otherwise, I think that, if not for the Death Note, L and Light would have been good friends.) This is also where I got the ending of chapter one – where Light dreams about watching L die – because his subconscious still remembers Kira.**

**-Cool fact: Light is a Pisces, and so am I, so I've got that advantage when writing his parts.**

**I just thought I should tell you these things so you can get a glimpse of my POV in writing this. :) **


	3. Chapter 2

When I wake up to a bloody pillow, my face sore and crusted in blood, I can't help but smile. I glance over at Light, who's still asleep, and quietly lock my handcuff to my bedpost before going to shower. I'm back in minutes, pulling my shirt over my head and checking on Light. Still not up. I reattach myself to him and then wake him up. I'm hungry and impatient, so I end up half-dragging him out of bed and down the hall to our main investigation room. Watari already waits with breakfast and I start to fill the hole in my stomach. Light watches me almost humourously.

"What?" I ask, a spoon of oatmeal in my mouth. He just laughs and shakes his head.

We spend the rest of the day doing research in the Kira case, but nothing new comes up. I bring up my theory that Kira could be able to transfer his powers from one human to another, and suggest we look into it. Light seems a bit angry, knowing I still believe he was Kira. I almost feel sorry for him – if this theory _is_ correct, it's not his fault, he was just chosen by Kira – but then I remember his rage last night, and the feeling disappears.

"If you're right about that," he says. "Then _anyone _could be Kira now."

"Indeed. We'll just wait for some evidence of a new Kira," I tell him. "Meanwhile, I would like to continue going over the information we already have." The time ticks by slowly. I watch Light, and start to see the beauty of the beast. A killer, maybe, but such an innocent-looking one. His hair just falls into his golden-brown eyes that are now staring questioningly into mine. I ask what he's thinking about, but he shrugs me off, wondering if I'm still trying to connect Kira to him. It's a reasonable excuse, so I just nod.

"When will you be convinced I'm _not _Kira?" he asks, annoyed.

"I'm only about four percent convinced you are Kira right now," I tell him. "However, I am quite certain you were previously the owner of Kira's power, and I'm not sure if I'll _ever _give up on that idea."

"I could easily hit you again, you know," he warns.

"That really doesn't help your case," I return. He rolls his eyes, and continues going through pages. I stare for a second longer, and then a mix of emotions crosses through me. I blush and look down, confused at the sudden feeli ngs that I've never experienced before. I'm not even sure what they are – some form of worry, admiration, and... something possessive. There is neither pretext nor logic to these emotions, but I think they must have been caused by Light. But why would I be worried or possessive of him? I admit I admire him for his intelligence. Maybe... It must be that I'm convinced he is Kira, and I don't want him to get away. I want to be the one to catch Kira.

"Ryuzaki? Did you find something?"

"Hmm?"

Light is the one staring at me now. "You look like you're concentrating pretty hard on that page."

"Oh, no," I reply. "Just thinking of something..." I can't meet his eyes when I say it, but he won't allow it. His fingers tap under my chin, forcing my eyes to be at level with his. His face is very close to mine.

"I am _not _Kira," he says softly. He holds my gaze, almost desperately, longing for me to believe him. But I can't.

"Okay," I whisper. He hesitates, and then backs away, clearing his throat awkwardly.

We don't look at each other for the rest of the day.

:)

I wish I could convince L I'm not Kira. With time, maybe, but will he always be convinced I was once Kira? I wasn't. I can't have been. Kira is a murderer, and I would remember killing the hundreds of people Kira did off with. If only L knew that. All I can do – and I'm determined to – is find the real Kira. But days, weeks pass and nothing comes up, and I can't help but think, maybe L's theory is right. This thinking causes me to lash out at L more than a few times. He's messing with my head.

Most of our fighting happens in our room. One night, L makes a comment suggesting that the lackof new information is proof against me, and I'm thinking it's true, which riles me. I tackle him onto his bed, sending blows and, after the shock is registered, feeling his returning strikes. We battle it out until we're both an exhausted mess. L is holding himself up over me, face bleeding, with two appearing black eyes.

"We can't – keep doing this," he pants, rolling off of me.

"_You _can't keep – trying to make me Kira," I retort. He sighs, and I slide into my own bed.

The next morning, when I see L's bloody face, I feel bad for attacking him. I wake him up and go into the bathroom, grabbing a towel and wetting it. I wash my face off, then clean the towel and go back into the room. I gently nudge him onto his bed and sit down beside him. I push his hair off his forehead and wipe the blood off his face. When I touch his eyes, now dark purple, and a cut I had made on his cheek, he winces slightly. I compare this to the pain I feel in my ribs – I'm sure he bruised one of them – and my guilt lightens. We're even.

"Thank you, Light," he mumbles.

"Come on, Ryuzaki," I say, dabbing a last bit of blood off his chin. "Let's go find Kira."

:)

Light Yagami is one of the most confusing people I have ever met. One night he's beating the hell out of me, and the next morning he's washing the blood off my face. What does he get out of it? What is it that motivates him to act the way he does? Does Kira still possess him, or is this the real Light? While we're researching Kira, I'm actually keeping notes on him, writing things down on a slip of paper to refer to later. Things I've noticed about him today, comparisons between the possible Kira-Light and post-Kira Light, everything I can about his behaviour and personality. However, I leave out the feelings that are starting to appear, partially because I have learned that emotions can cloud judgement of fact, but also because these emotions are perplexing and don't make any sense to me.

I can't help but notice that Light isn't at all concentrating on me, which is good because he might question me if he was, but I feel a longing for his attention.

"Light." I jerk my arm behind me, and the chain tightens, cutting into his wrist. He looks up, surprised.

"What is it, Ryuzaki?"

"I have no idea," I admit quietly. "You're just so..."

"So _what_?"

"I don't know, Light," I sigh. "I... I guess I'm just tired."

"Let's go to bed then, we're not going to figure much else out tonight," he tells me, standing up. "Come on."

"No, I have to-"

"Have to what?" he puts in. "Keep yourself awake all night? Deprive yourself of sleep? That won't help you, Ryuzaki. You have to sleep."

I allow him to take me to our room, but when I just collapse onto my bed, he disapproves. I disconnect his cuff so he can get undressed, and then I decide to strip down to my boxers as well because it's really hot for some reason. The AC must be broken, but I'll ask Watari to have it fixed in the morning.

I so lost in thought that I don't notice I haven't re-locked Light's handcuff. He leans over me, and holds it over my face, then clicks it back in place on his wrist. I stare up at him blankly. After a moment, he climbs into his bed.

"Goodnight, Ryuzaki," he sighs.

I lie awake for hours. Around three, Light stirs, and sees me – still awake.

"You up too?"

"I haven't slept yet," I tell him.

"Why not?"

"I... have too much on my mind," I confess. "And I don't know how to... figure it out. I've never... been in a situation like this before."

"What do you mean by that?" he asks, confused.

"I'm not sure," I say. "I just don't know anything about it."

"You're the greatest detective in the world, and the smartest person I've ever met," Light says. "How can you not know _anything _about... whatever this is about?"

I close my eyes. "I'm not good with... emotions. I don't really... understand them. They distract and disturb your mind. Never something I bothered to research."

Light laughs. "You don't research emotions, Ryuzaki, you _feel_ them."

"Well, _I_ don't," I retort. "But go to sleep Light. I don't wanna talk anymore." Because something has suddenly become clear. These emotions – which I am positive are connected to Light – are a weapon that Kira can use against me. And that is not a weakness I can ever afford.


	4. Chapter 3

Ryuzaki suddenly becomes cold to me. He hardly talks to me, and when he dioes, it's detached and formal. I don't understand. Have a done something that's pushed him over, fully convinced him I'm Kira? Days pass in the unbearable silence, and finally I have to break the ice. I get the opportunity when he is coming out of the bathroom after having a shower.

"Ryuzaki," I say, blocking the doorway.

"What is it, Light?" he replies, not meeting my eyes. I snap, grabbing hold of his chin and forcing his face up.

"Look at me!" I shout. I've thrown him off guard, but he doesn't drop his gaze. Instead, I see him searching my eyes for an answer. Then I wonder if this has all just been another test of his. But instead of anger, I only feel hurt.

"_What am I to you?_" I cry, staring into those black eyes, wishing they could answer me. Confusion crosses them.

"I don't know," he whispers, and then pushes past me. I pull the chain, spinning around and grabbing his arm.

"What does that mean?" I yell. Nothing. "_Answer me!"_

"I don't know," he repeats. I can see in his eyes that he's trying to work something out.

"What are you thinking?" I ask.

"I – I'm trying to figure out this situation," he replies slowly, biting his thumb.

"This isn't a case! You're not a detective right now, Ryuzaki!" I shout angrily. "You don't have to deduce everything. Just _talk to me_, stop analyzing!"

"What do you want me to say, Light?"

"I don't care! Just say something, do something! Whatever you feel like, just stop leaving me out in the cold," I say. "We can't work this way. I'm not your enemy, Ryuzaki, we're on the same side."

:)

Whatever I feel like? What _do _I feel like doing? I close my eyes, trying to think. What do I _feel_?

"Ryuzaki?" I open my eyes, and Light's are urgently staring back, forcing another wave of emotion through me. _What do I feel? _

No. Emotions are dangerous, something that should be left unknown. There are more important things to work out.

"I'm sorry Light, I'm not any good at this sort of thing," I sigh.

"Damn it, Ryuzaki!" He throws a hit that knocks me onto my bed, and then lands on top of me, pinning my hands back. He punches me again. His arm pulls back for a third swing, but I grab his fist and push him back, rolling on top of him. Before he can react, I jump back. Something had gone through me in that brief second I was leaning over him that scares me. _What just happened? _

"G-go to bed," I gasp, shaking my head.

"Ryuzaki? What's wrong?" He sits up, but I push him away. He sinks into his own bed, and I huddle into a ball, biting my thumb again. _What is wrong with me? _

The next morning, I don't want to get up. I don't want to face Light when I'm so conflicted. But I don't have a choice. Fortunately, today two important events happen. One is that we're given information that can keep my mind off him. Another death, one that benefits Yotsuba. We've been tracking them as people continue to die and their ratings continue to increase.

"It's Kira," I say certainly. "He might be among them, or just manipulating them, but this is the work of another Kira." Mogi gives us a list of every member of Yotsuba. "Amazing work, Mogi."

"Is there anything I can do, Ryuzaki?" Matsuda asks hurriedly. The second thing that happened today was the arrival of Aiber and Wedy. I take the opportunity to introduce them.

"Would you get coffee for my guests and I?" I respond casually, gesturing at them. They introduce themselves. There is dispute over the fact that they are criminals, but I explain their use and, although there is still discomfort, no one objects. The next few days are spent doing intense research and planning around the Yotsuba group, and for me, distracting myself from Light Yagami.

A couple days later, however, I find Light staring at me – no, through me. I take another bite of my cake to give myself time to think of something to say.

"Why are you staring at me?" I ask. "Are you annoyed that I am the only one who has cake?"

"No-"

"Ryuzaki," Watari interrupts. "The detective Erald Coil has received a message asking about the true identity of L."

"Coil?" Soichiro Yagami says. "He's one of the most famous detectives in the world."

"The message came from Kida Masahiko," Watari continues. "The head of the planning department at the Yotsuba group's main Tokyo office."

"This isn't good," Soichiro puts in. "Coil may be a great detective, but he's easily bought-"

"There is no need to worry," I tell him. He frowns, about to argue, but explain. "The three world's greatest detectives – L, Coil, Danuve – are all the same person. Me."

While this sinks in, Aiber and Wedy inform me that they will be able to do their work in the Yotsuba case. Aiber can get close to Masahiko, and Wedy will hack the security system.

"Excellent," I tell them. "However, it is crucial that no one in Yotsuba knows of your investigations. If you're found out, I am certain our chance of catching Kira will decrease to zero."

It is at this moment when Watari tells me that Matsuda has sent a distress signal. I'm just wondering what could possibly be wrong – he is supposed to be on set with Misa today – when Watari says it's from Yotsuba's main office.

_Damn it, Matsuda. _Now I have to think of a way to save him _and _we have to rethink our entire strategy.

I call Matsuda, and in code he confirms that he is in trouble. Light messages Misa, and he finds out from her that Matsuda is promoting Misa to the Yotsuba group as his cover. This gives me a great idea.

An hour later, we're all in an ambulance, returning back to headquarters after Matsuda faked his own death.

"I don't recommend you do that again," I warn Matsuda as I sit in my chair and begin picking over our situation. There are eight men under suspicion now as Kira.

Sleep evades me, but Light stays up to allow me to keep working throughout the night. He ends up falling asleep, laying his head on the desk. I replace the papers under his head with my shirt for a pillow. He doesn't even stir. It's cool without my shirt, but that gives me an edge to stay awake. By the time Light wakes up again, I've read over all the pages Mogi brought us, and have already formulated an intricate plan, going over every potential flaw and finding a solution for each. I'm so focused on this plan that I don't notice Light move towards me. It's only when he touches my shoulder that I glance up.

"You're freezing, Ryuzaki," he says. "Why didn't you go to bed?"

"Am I?" I ask, shivering. I often overlookmy own health and safety when it comes to these things. "And I didn't want to wake you."

"I wouldn't have minded," he mutters, handing me my shirt. "So what have you done then?"

"Are you hungry?" I pull my shirt on as Watari wheels in a cart of various types of food. "I'll tell you my plan over breakfast."


	5. Chapter 4

Wedy has cameras installed in the Yotsuba meeting room. From their conversations, it is very obvious that one of them is Kira. I decide it will be best to take no action, not prevent the new Kira from killing his targets. It is clear that this will be beneficial – except the rest of the task force doesn't see it my way. The idea angers them, that we would just sit back and wait until the people they mentioned are dead. But this is the only way to prove that Kira is among them.

However, they're still opposed to the idea, and Light calls one of the members, Reiji Namikawa, and gets him to delay the Yotsuba group from killing anyone for a month. He also manages to get Namikawa as a double agent for us, which is incredible.

"That sounded exactly like the sort of thing I would do," I tell him. "And you thought of it quicker than I did." I can't help but think of how – despite questionably having been Kira before – great of a detective he is. "At this rate, if I were to die somehow, it's quite possible that you would be capable of succeeding me."

"What?" Light exclaims, surprised and a bit angry. "Why are you being so morbid? There isn't time for that!" He lectures me about how there's only a month left to figure out how to stop the Yotsuba group.

"Yes, but you were the first one to notice the connection between Yotsuba and Kira," I point out, making it clear I haven't listened to his scolding. "You actually might be more capable than I am. I honestly believe you could take this on." I pause for a moment, wondering if I should say the next words I'm thinking. But no, I'm certain. He has to be the one. "Tell me, if I should die, would you take over for me as L?"

This is just another game. If he is Kira, and just playing innocent, he's sure to say yes. But he's smart, he could figure this out.

"What are you talking about?" he asks incredulously. "As long as we're joined by these-" he shakes his handcuff, "we would die together anyway." Then he stops. "I see." He explains to the others that I'm just testing him, to see whether he's acting innocent, or if I believe Kira's powers were passed from him to someone else and he's just forgotten. He says that I will never let him be unattached from me, because I believe he planned to have Kira's powers removed only to have them return later. He's exactly right. He tells them that he thinks I think his plan is to take over as L, having control over the police, while being Kira in secret.

"Correct," I reply. He tells me that he has no interest in taking his title, and I respond that telling everyone that this was his plan _wouldn't _be a good idea, but he sees through me. He puts his hand on my shoulder, and spins my chair around so I'm facing him. His other hand falls in place on my shoulder and he looks intensely into my eyes.

"Ryuzaki," he says quietly. "Do you think that I'm actually capable of becoming a murderer? Kira? Even after I help you catch him, do I seem like that kind of person to you?"

He looks passionate, desperate, searching for my reaction, longing for me to believe he's innocent. And he is. I can see the innocence. Something tells me that I would have to be absolutely horrible to condemn someone so chaste, innocuous. _Light Yagami is not a bad person. _

My face is clear of emotion – he can't tell whether I am with or against him. I push aside the feeling that Light is some pure, beautiful being, and force myself to think realistically. _No one _is perfect. What does my mind tell me? _He's Kira!_ But another opinion tells me he's innocent. That's foolish – Light Yagami is not innocent.

"Yes you do," I say calmly. "I've always thought so."

He closes his eyes, frowning, and I instantly anticipate his attack. His fist and my foot connect with each other's faces at the same moment. Soichiro growls, and Matsude breaks us up.

"It was a draw!" he cries. Light agrees, and brings the topic back to catching the current Kira.

"Yes, let's not get distracted," I say, knowing that this fight will be continued later.

The case is again brought up, and I do not agree with the rest. They are determined to arrest the Yotsuba men, while I am not. I do not see this being beneficial, so I propose a new idea.

"I think from now on I should go after Kira by myself," I tell them, adding sugar cubes to my tea – a nervous habit. I give them permission to still use this place as headquarters, but we will run seperate investigations.

I already have a plan – to use Misa, and get the Yotsuba group to believe she knows something about L. I go visit her before anyone can say anything. Except Light, who I must drag along with me. She's enthusiastic upon seeing Light, but her disappointment is obvious when she notices me. I ignore it, getting up close and personal. I ask her if she loves Light.

"What? Of _course _I do!" she exclaims. I point out that she also worships Kira, who Light is trying to capture, and ask who she'd choose. She says Light. I ask if she would work with him on the case if she got the chance, and she says yes.

"Hold on," Light cuts in. "Where are you going with this?"

I explain my idea, and tell them that Yotsuba might think they can take the opportunity of her being their new spokesperson to question her about L, which will be my chance to find more out about our new Kira. Misa is fine with the plan, but Light is against it, worrying about her safety. I feel a stabbing feeling in my chest before I realize that it's not really her he cares about, it's probably himself. If he's Kira, he doesn't need Misa linking Yotsuba to him. _But he's not Kira._ But he was. Am I arguing with myself? I stop thinking about Light because he's messing with my small amount of sanity.

"But Kira can manipulate his victims before they die," Light reminds me. "What if he tortures her into telling them everything she knows about L and then kills her? And if he _does_ kill L, he'll kill Misa too to keep her silent."

"If we catch Kira, Misa won't die," I point out. "Besides, as long as we're handcuffed together, you and I share the same fate. If I die, so do you." Misa gasps, and I know I can win her over. "Either we lose and both die together, or we succeed and catch Kira. Which is it?"

"We catch Kira!" she cries immediately. "I would never dream of living in a world without Light!"

"Yes, that would be dark," I mutter, loud enough for them to hear. It annoys Light, and he snaps, telling me the idea is crazy.. I remind him that we're running out of time, and admit I've become desperate. Then I add that I'm only asking Misa because I know her love for him is boundless. And then I have her on my side.

I walk away slightly, and Misa rambles on about how she's misunderstood me all along. Then she comments that I really do understand how she feels, and something clicks.

_What do I feel?_

Misa. The girl who knows all about love. She said that Light worrying about her meant he loved her. She's possessive of him. She completely admires him, and would do anything for him. She _loves _him.

Love.

_What do I feel?_


	6. Chapter 5

Is it possible to avoid someone when you're handcuffed to them? It feels like Ryuzaki is trying to. During the day, his attention is all extremely concentrated on Misa, Aiber, Watari, even Matsuda – anyone but me. Like most things with him, this whim comes out of no where, like he just suddenly feels like hating me this week. At night, with nothing to distract him, he just lies in bed and pretends to sleep. But the circles around his eyes get darker and I know he stays awake. Sometimes I wake up to find those wide eyes staring at me as if I'm some complicated puzzle he's mentally trying to piece together, but as soon as he sees my eyes, he looks away.

After a couple of days, the plan to lure out Kira using Misa is halted. It's too dangerous. For one thing, if she slips up, she could lead Kira straight to us. However, when I tell Misa, she doesn't argue, which is unusual for her. She just says she'll do whatever I want and then leaves.

:)

Misa Amane is not nearly as difficult to figure out as Light, but she still confuses me sometimes. When she's told that we won't be using her to catch Kira anymore, she doesn't even object. It makes me suspicious of her. I'm trying to figure out any plan she could have made, when I hear her parting comment to Light.

"Hey Light, you wanna sleep with me tonight?" she giggles. My stomach clenches, and I force myself not to look up to see Light's reaction. He asks what she's talking about and she laughs. "Just kidding! You're saving that for _after _we catch Kira, right? No need to be shy about it!"

As she walks away laughing, I feel sick, and mutter, "Yes Light, there's no need to be shy."

He's immediately defensive. "I'm not being shy!"

"No need to be so serious either." Something about Light being with Misa... No, Light being with _anyone _else bothers me. I tell myself I don't know why. I also resume my attempt at isolation from him. But of course, Light can never let me have things my way. I hear about it when we're in the privacy of our room.

He has an annoying habit of standing in the doorway of the bathroom when I'm trying to leave it.

"Ryuzaki?"

"Hmm? What is it Light?" I mumble, staring at my hands.

"You're evading me," he states.

"That's a bit ridiculous, don't you think?" I reply.

"Yes, well, you're a bit ridiculous yourself. I don't care if you are, I just want to know why."

"Why?" I repeat.

"Why you won't even look me in the eye. Why everyone is suddenly so important to you – everyone but me."

I'd like to believe that I don't _know_ why. I tell myself it's because he's Kira, but that's such a pathetic excuse that I don't even try to believe it anymore. And I know Light won't let me say I don't know, because he's smarter than that. He wouldn't confront me if he didn't think something was wrong.

_Something _is wrong.

"I want to know why too," I sigh, talking more to myself than him. Why I feel this way, why it has to be him, why now? Why I was suddenly overcome with these feelings that I've never had before. But worst of all, why he has to be Kira. Why I have to be L.

"You're not making sense," he tells me.

"Do I ever?"

He sighs. "Sometimes. Not as much lately. What's going on Ryuzaki?"

_Wouldn't you like to know. _"I am very intent on solving this case," I tell him, which isn't a lie. "I become a bit obsessed with these things, and it causes me to act... strange. Don't think my actions are directed only at you. Although I suppose, with my suspicion of you having been Kira, I suppose that makes things worse for you."

"You don't treat Misa like she doesn't exist," he points out coldly. "And yet she was a suspect."

"Not the way you were though,"I say. "Even if she _was _the second Kira, I feel she would be the way she is now – only following the orders of the first Kira, you. And speaking of Misa, I have a bad feeling that she isn't telling us something. Do you know of any plans she may have in attempting to catch Kira? Well, if you did know, you wouldn't tell me. If you know, it's probably because you put her up to it..." I trail off thoughtfully. "However, if you didn't know, do you think she may be trying to do work on her own? That is unlikely to end well."

Anyone would agree that Misa taking her own orders would definitely not be a good plan. If she does have a plan, though, it is unclear to me what it might be. The only way to find out is to see if she does anything, but that is a very uinsafe idea. I'm just thinking that I should get light to confront her about this when he interrupts my thoughts.

"Don't change the topic, Ryuzaki." I accidentally glance up, and his eyes lock mine in place. Damn it. "I know how you work: lie, distract, and then move on before it can be brought up again, right? That won't work on me. What _aren't _you telling me?"

I drop my gaze. "Nothing," I mumble, and then attempt to pass him. Instead, I'm shoved against the wall, restrained by his arm against my chest, my face lifted by his hand under my chin.

"Stop lying!" he yells, but his eyes aren't angry. They're almost... sad?

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"Don't be," he says, pushing away from me.

"I'm sorry," I repeat, barely audible, but I know he hears it. He ignores me, dragging me by my wrist as he tries to go over to his bed. I'm not sure how it happens, what compels me to do it. But somehow I wrench him back, and he turns, stumbling forward and pinning me against the wall again, and he's so close to me.

And then he kisses me.


	7. Chapter 6

I can tell there's something wrong with Ryuzaki, and I wish he would just talk to me. I wish he wouldn't think I was Kira. I wish he would realize he can trust me. But he won't look me in the eye when he says that there's nothing wrong and tries to get by me. It hurts. I pin him on the wall and force his eyes up.

"Stop lying!" I cry, feeling like I can't yell it loud enough. It's not that he can't hear me, it's just that he won't listen.

"I'm sorry," he says, sounding sincere. I turn and tell him not to be, and then try to escape to my bed. He says it again, so quietly I think I might have imagined it. Then he jerks the chain, and I try to turn around, but lose my footing and fall forward, catching myself on him, pushing him into the wall. And then I senselessly lean down and kiss him.

I expect him to object, but he only widens his eyes slightly, then lets them close. I copy him, letting the world slip away so there is only him. _Ryuzaki._ I hadn't even realized I felt this way about him. Now, as I feel his soft lips against mine, I feel the hunger, the pull towards him. I long to touch his skin, taste his lips; And he isn't stopping me.

My hand slides down to his, and I press it against the wall. He slips it out of my grip and places his hands on my chest, giving slight pressure. I think he's trying to push me away, as I'm forced to take a step back, but then he leans against me and I fall backwards onto his bed. The kiss is broken. He has one hand on either side of my chest, suspended above me. I prop myself up on my elbows and kiss him again, and then hesitate, pulling back. I want _him _to be the one to kiss _me. _His eyes flicker back and forth between mine, and then he kisses me uncertainly. I braid a hand into his hair and pull him down to me. Then I push myself to the head of the bed, and pull away again, rolling over and slamming him against the headboard. My knees are placed on either side of him. I take hold of his wrists and hold them above his head against the wall. I lean my body into his and kiss his neck, the taste of his soft, sweet skin on my lips. He moans, tilting his head back, and then his fingers trace down my arms, and then under my shirt.

A rush goes through me and I kiss his lips again hungrily. His fingers draw over the muscles of my chest, and I almost lose my mind. I can't think straight. I can't think _period_ except for of him. I part my lips and let my teeth graze his lower lip. In response, his hands pull out from under my shirt and he starts undoing the buttons on my shirt. I groan at the anticipation of feeling his skin against mine, when I hear someone in the hallway.

I freeze, and Ryuzaki perks up, listening carefully. Whoever it is, they just walk by, but the moment causes a change in Ryuzaki. He won't look at me again.

"You should go to bed Light," he tells me. I want to argue, but I know it will be pointless. I slowly get up and go lay down in my bed.

_Damn it_, I think. _What the hell have I just done?_

:)

I just kissed Light Yagami. What would;ve happened if we hadn't been interrupted?

I close my eyes, reliving it all. Light's soft skin under my fingers, every inch of his chest memorized. His warm and gentle mouth against my lips, my neck; the pressure of his body against mine. I bite my lip to hold back my pleasure, and remember his teeth there. I push my hair back from my face, feeling too warm, but longing for his heat to sweep across my body. Will I ever get to feel these things again?

I want to scream. He's so close to me, and it's unbearable because I feel like he couldn't be any farther away. I'm kept up all night with my thoughts. _Why did he do it? What was it like for him? Where was it going? How does _he _feel about it? What do I say if he brings it up? What if he _doesn't _bring it up? Do I forget? What if I don't want to?_

I don't want to forget what happened. I want to do it again. I want Light Yagami. All I can think about is Light. I don't care what happens tomorrow – if everything is awkward, or if he tells everyone about it – so long as I can kiss him again.

We don't talk to or look at each other all of the next day, but I still think about him. Then I start to worry. Maybe he'll just pretend it never happened. Would he? Maybe it meant nothing to him. Maybe...

Kira.

I feel like I should have known this, and feel stupid for taking so long to figure it out. _Of course _he's acting for Kira. It was all just a trap, and I fell right into it. He made me a complete fool, made me weak, and worst of all, he won. He completely won. He must have figured out my feelings for him, or that I was unsure of those feelings, and used that as an advantage to lure me in. Well, the point goes to Kira this time.

But I won't fall for it again. I don't speak to Light, but I make it obvious that I know he won this round. I'm defeated for now, but I won't be fooled twice by that trick. I feel pathetic for believing there was some other reason. Because I _wanted _there to be.

_I was right to think that it was bad to get emotionally attached. Look where it's gotten me. _Kira is a monster; I can't let him in my head. Otherwise, he might win. He's already shown me what he can do. I just can't let him do it again. I throw aside the ridiculous emotions and cut any ties I have to Light Yagami. There will be no more endangering myself because of him. All that matters is catching Kira.

_I will win._

:)

**A/N: Poor L. He so convinced that emotions are the work of the devil. He thinks they're a weakness. It makes me sad., how he won't allow himself to just be happy. :( Anyways, hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'll update again soon. :)**


	8. Chapter 7

I'm looking across the room at a woman with long, dark hair, gray eyes, her brow furrowed in concentration. She's sitting at her desk, working away like always. I stumble over to her, tugging on her hand to get her attention. She looks down at me, and smiles tiredly. I bite my thumb, and then lift my arms up to her. She picks me up and sits me on her knee, kissing my forehead.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"Thinking," I reply. "I've been thinking all day about something, but I still haven't figured it out."

"Really?" she wonders. "And what have you be thinking about?"

"Love."

"Love?" She raises her eyebrows, smiling slightly. "What about love?"

"I hear people talk about it all the time," I explain. "But I don't know what it is. It's... an action? Something you do for someone else. Am I right?"

"Sort of," she says. "When you love someone, you care about them, worry about them. You're happy when they're happy, and sad when they're not. You'll do anything for them if it's what they want, but moreso if it's what is best for them. If you love someone, they never leave your heart or mind. You think about them, miss them when they're not around. You sort of become attached to them – not literally, but it's almost like there is an invisible string that connects your heart to theirs. There is one person in the world who you will love more than anyone else. You will always want to be with them – every heart beat calls out to them, in perfect synchronization with theirs. This person is your soul mate. You might not think you love them, you might even think you hate them, but this person is someone who you would die for. One day, you will find them, and I hope you'll be very happy together."

"That sounds like a fairy tale," I tell her. "Happy, but not very believable."

She laughs. "One day, you'll understand."

"I guess so," I sigh. "One more thing. Can love be bad?"

"Sometimes love goes wrong," she admits "Sometimes love is unrequited. Or you love the wrong person."

"The wrong person?"

"Someone who isn't your soul mate. Or maybe they are, but your love is forbidden, because of who you are, or who they are. Sometimes people pretend to be someone else, and you fall for them, but when they take off their mask, they're actually a monster."

"A monster?" I question. "Monsters aren't real though."

"I just mean that they're not the person you thought they were," she explains. "You're so smart, L."

"I guess so," I say doubtfully. "What if I don't ever find this soul mate of mine? What if I just can't love anyone?"

"The only person who can't love is he who is unloved himself," she says. "And you will always be loved."

"Really?" I whisper.

"Of course," she says, hugging me tightly. "_I_ love you, L. I will always love you."

"I love you too, mommy."

:)

I must have been an idiot to kiss Ryuzaki. I can't even talk to him about it because, even when no one's around, he ignores me completely. _What was I thinking? _I don't even know how I feel about it, because from his reaction – blocking me from existance – I feel like I've committed some unpardonable crime. Has he reasoned out that maybe I did it under Kira's influence? And if I were to tell him I didn't – which is true – would he even believe me? I cross out the possibility that he's just embarrassed, but wants me to kiss him again, because this is only what _I _want to believe.

In the next couple of days, the pressure builds between us. You can almost feel the intensity as we awkwardly try to pretend the other isn't on the end of our handcuff. One night I do try to confront him, but he just tells me not to bother – he doesn't want anything to do with me. At that moment, I feel heartbroken. But in order to be heartbroken, I had to love him, I had to have given him my heart to break.

Do I love him? I think about it. To love someone is to be attracted to them, find them irresistable – and I can't deny the pull I feel towards him. It means you care about them. This much is also true. Loving someone means they are your weakness. And I have never before felt so lost, pathetic, hopeless as I do thinking that he doesn't feel the same way about me. So is that it? Do I love this person whose name I don't even know? Have I given my heart to someone who's practically a stranger?

Why even bother to say it isn't true?

:)

For some reason, I feel this inexplicable hatred towards myself every time I look at Light. I lie awake at night wishing he would hurt me, inflict physical pain so I would have to be slowly driven mad by psychological torture. Because I've hurt him, and I can't stand myself for it. And I feel even worse about that because I'm not supposed to care. To make things worse, when I actually _do _sleep, I start having bad dreams. Nightmares about monsters, but mostly myself hurting everyone I've ever cared about. Because I am the real monster.

One night I dream about my mother, and when I wake up, I start crying. Not just because I haven't thought about her in years, but because for the first time I realize I miss her. And also, because I feel like the dream is a message. I wouldn't have believed it, when I was a kid. Dreams are just meaningless pictures created by your mind. I rarely have them. But this was a memory, and it was so relevant. It was about love and soul mates and monsters. I've never really loved anyone, never put thought into finding a soul mate. I was so young at the time I'd had that conversation with my mother that it was stored in the back of my mind and forgotten. But now I pick over it again and again.

I love a monster, masked by the beautiful and innocent Light Yagami. The feeling is not mutual – like most monsters, who want only to use you or damage you, Light seeks only my destruction. And even though he doesn't touch me, even as he stays as far as the cuffs we let him get away from me, I know he is slowly breaking me into tiny, irreversibly broken pieces. And I can't stop him. I can stop Kira, but what will happen then? If I catch Kira, and condemn Light with him, what happens to me?

_You're a monster. _To destroy something you love for your own good... It is one of the most evil things I can imagine. Kira is a worse monster though, because he is trying just as hard to devastate me, and there can be nothing worse than killing something that loves you.

I need to stop with all this foolishness called love. I'm just giving him the upper hand. Like handing him a gun – no, a poison, that's dragged-out effects are disintegrating me.

But that poison is so sweet.

**A/N: I've noticed when I write stories (which is all the time), there's almost always something in them that is real to me – a memory of mine, an opinion I have, a quirk that a character and I share. Well, L's memory of his mother is something I share with him. Like L, today I found myself thinking of my parents, and so they managed to infiltrate my mind and work their way into the plot of this chapter. I think I made it work though. I really like writing dreams :) **


	9. Chapter 8

"Light!"

It's Misa. She was reported missing earlier by Mogi, and we had no idea where she'd gone off to, only that she had planned an escape. I'm furious when I find out, because I have a bad feeling she's gone off trying to find Kira without telling us. Mogi said she had pretended to be a nurse and had slipped past his notice, and sure enough, when I look up, she's in a nurse's outfit.

"Misa! Where have you been?" I shout. "We were all worried about you!"

"I'm fine," she says calmly, sounding confident. "And guess what? I found Kira!"

"_What?_" we all ask in unison. I knew she'd be trying to, but how has she _actually _found Kira? In response, she holds up her phone and pushes a button. It appears she had met up with Higuchi, and recorded part of their conversation on her phone. In this conversation, he admits to being Kira. She tells him not to kill anyone, and he agrees not to until she tells him to. It is quite interesting, but there are many potential flaws.

"And so," she says when the recording concludes. "Based on what he said, Higuchi is Kira!"

Matsuda is extremely impressed, and praises her. She comes over to me expectantly, but I'm waiting to hear what Ryuzaki has to say about it. I'm sure he realizes that Higuchi really is Kira if the deaths stop, but it will also complicate things because we won't know how he kills them in the first place. Then I think of something.

"Misa, how did you get Higuchi to confess?" I wonder. This could be bad, depending on what she said or did.

"Easy," she scoffs. "That guy's _totally _in love with me! All I had to do was tell him I'd marry him if he was really Kira." She pauses. "Plus, I managed to convince him that I'm the second Kira."

_She what? _

"Misa, you idiot! Didn't I tell you to deny all that?" I yell at her. She bows her head, blushing.

"B-but, now we know Higuchi is Kira!" she stammers defensively. "So what's the problem? Can't we just catch him?"

Watari wheels by with a cart of food and leaves it beside Ryuzaki. "I suppose this is what you would call a victory, Matsuda," Ryuzaki states, giving a small, insincere laugh. I wonder what he thinks of Misa admitting to be Kira. Does he think she was telling the truth? And how exactly did she convince him she's Kira? Would he just believe her by her saying so, or did she prove it? And if so, how? Also, we can't arrest Higuchi, we still need information from him.

"But right now, we don't know exactly how he kills his victims, do we?" I say.

"Yes," Ryuzaki agrees, playing with his food casually. "That's what I was thinking. Before we move to arrest Higuchi, I want to find out _how _he kills people."

"But if the criminals stop dying, we won't be able to figure it out," I say. "Unless we come up with another idea. Isn't that right?"

"Yes. At any rate, even if we do arrest Higuchi, we're not going to do so until we're certain that criminals have stopped dying. Let me think about this for a moment." We wait in silence while he works his thoughts out. He then contacts Wedy and asks how she's managing. Then he asks to keep track of just Higuchi – placing cameras, trackers and microphones in his cars. I wonder why only the cars, but he'll no doubt explain soon. The he turns to me.

"I'm sorry to keep coming back to this topic," he mutters. "I'll just get right to the point..."

I have a feeling I know what this is about, but I ask what it is anyway.

"Do you remember?" he asks. "Killing anyone, I mean."

_He's never going to give up on me being Kira, will he?_ "Are you _still _going on about that?" I retort. "Look, I'm _not _Kira! How many times do I-"

"I just want you to answer the question," he interrupts. I glare at him. "Well? Do you remember?"

"No, I don't," I say icily. He questions Misa next. She doesn't remember either because, as she says, she isn't Kira. He then asks me to give an answer based on his current theory.

I _used _to beKira. Kira's power was somehow passed on, and now I can't remember anything about it. Was it because I wanted it to happen, or is there a third party in control of the power, and those who possess it, who passed it on?

I think about it, and come to a conclusion. Right or not, I give my answer as logic follows – that it was me who chose to pass on these powers. He agrees.

"If there is a third party with the ability to bestow or transfer Kira's powers, and they didn't want their ability to be discovered, it wouldn't make sense for them to wait so long to transfer it from you to the next Kira." This is undoubtedly in reference to the several days I spent in confinement before Ryuzaki believed Kira's powers had been taken from me. But he does not believe it is some higher being watching over us. They would be impossible to catch, and also, he should already have been dead by now if this was the case. "Or at the very least, I'm being made to be a fool by eternally dancing in the palm of someone's hand." I guess he believes his theory isn't just some madman's idea if I can back him on it, because he thanks me and says he feels ninety-nine percent better.

I wonder what the off one percent is.

Ryuzaki has a plan to air on Sakura TV that Kira's identity is to be revealed, and we will make sure Higuchi is watching. It is a very well-thought-out plan, which is amazing because he must have only come up with it in the past couple of minutes. Using Matsuda as bait, we will lure Higuchi into showing us how he can kill people. Matsuda agrees to risk his life by showing his face on tv when Higuchi is watching and could kill him. We will air the program in 3 days, giving Higuchi enough time to keep his end of Misa's deal and stop killing. In the mean time, everyone feels much better about the fact that we may be close to finally solving this case. I hope that, if Higuchi is caught, Ryuzaki will finally be convinced that I'm not Kira.

:)

"Ryuzaki? What happens if... if we catch Higuchi?"

I roll over in my bed to see Light staring at the ceiling. His eyes flash to meet mine, innocent and curious. It would be easy for him to figure out that, upon catching Higuchi, we would find out how Kira operates, and maybe be able to prevent Kira from giving the power to someone else. But this is not what Light is referring to. He's asking what it will mean for him.

"That depends," I reply. "If we find out you, and Misa for that matter, were Kira, you will both be condemned, sentenced to death and executed."

"And... What if I'm found to be innocent?"

I want more than anything for Light to be innocent. I long to reach out and hug him, protect him from fear and sadness the way my mother used to, to kiss his hair and promise that he'll be alright. But that is a lie, and it could put us both in danger. So instead I just tell him, "If that is the case, I will sincerely apologize for what you've been through, and thank you for all your hard work."

"Is that all?" he asks, sounding disappointed.

"I suppose you would be paid for the case as well, that's only fair. You more than anyone else, as you've been most useful throughout it all, and you've suffered most."

"That's not what I mean!" he exclaims. "I don't care about _money_, Ryuzaki!"

"I – I don't understand," I say. "I could give you a reference to get you straight onto the task force –"

"How are you so clueless?" he shouts, sitting up. "I know you think I was Kira, but is that really so blinding that you can't see me in any other way? Or are you just completely oblivious to people being in love with you?"

I'm taken aback, speechless. "I – w-what?"

"Damn it, Ryuzaki." He stands between our beds, pulling me by the arm into a sitting position. His hands fall to the back of my neck, and he leans in to kiss me.

_I can't let this happen again! _I think too late. My heart races and tells me to give in, that this is what I want. But I _can't _do this. I push him back gently but sternly.

"_No, _Light," I tell him firmly.

"Why not?" His eyes are begging me. _Why not? _My mind echoes. _Why would you not want to be with him?_

"What if you _were _Kira?" I counter. "How am I supposed to live with myself knowing that I'm destroying someone I love? I _can't _do it, Light!"

"You love me?" he breathes. _Damn it. _I should _not _have said that.

"I – I just meant – I didn't-"

He kisses me, effectively silencing me. "I don't care if it turns out I am Kira. I forgive you, you have to do what's right-"

"It's not that easy!" I cry. "I can't fall in love with you and then just watch you die! Do you know how horrible it is, to lose someone you love? To care about someone and then be left alone, but never be able to forget them? I can't do that again! Not with you, not with anyone!" I push him away and turn my back to him, curling up into a ball, biting my thumb so hard I taste blood.

Instead of leaving me alone like I want and expect him to, he moves closer and wraps his arms around me, stroking my hair softly with his fingers. I give up, leaning in to him, cradled there. I fall asleep to the rhythmic brushing of his hand against my hair, feeling, for the first time in years, safe and sound.


	10. Chapter 9

I wake up in the morning to find myself in the same position I fell asleep in – lying on Ryuzaki's bed, arms around him, my chin resting on top of his hair. He's cuddled up beside me, sleeping with his head on my chest. He's so beautifully peaceful. I trace my finger down his back, and he shivers, his eyes flickering open. His head jerks up, but he rests it back on my shoulder when he sees me.

"I wish I didn't ever have to leave this moment," he whispers sadly. But we get up and force ourselves through the day, trying to act as normally as possible. Because he admitted that he loves me. And I love him too. But no one else knows, and we can't go from being "friends" who really don't like each other, to being in love. So instead, we work hard all day, arranging our plans with Sakura TV, and taking care of many other details of the Higuchi plan. The intensity is still there though – not awkward like it was before, but as hungering desire. Ryuzaki and I stay long past the time everyone else leaves that night. Then I hear a click, and feel my handcuff fall off my wrist. Before it hits the ground, Ryuzaki is on top of me, forcing my chair to crash back into the desk, kissing me as if he'll never get another chance.

I'm sure he thinks he soon never will.

His legs lock around my waist, his arms around my neck, and, without stopping our kiss, I carry him across the room to the elevator. He drops a hand and smashes the button without looking, and the doors slide open. I hit the number for our floor as I slam him against the side of the elevator. He drops his feet, breaking us apart as he pushes _me _against the wall and starts to undo my shirt. The doors open again as he reaches the last button, and I rip my shirt off, kissing him again. Somehow we make it to our room, and when we get inside, I lock the door and push the beds together. He immediately throws me down on them and jumps on top of me, his lips finding mine. My hands search for the bottom of his shirt, and when I find it, I tear the shirt off quickly. Then I roll over and trace kisses down his neck, along one shoulder, and then across his chest and back up his jaw. He flips me back under him, then pulls me up so his knees are on either side of my hips, and kisses me again, biting my lower lip. In response, my nails rake over his chest lightly, leaving fine white lines, and he presses his body roughly into mine. His hand twists into my hair and he tilts my head back, kissing and nibbling on my neck gently. A groan escapes me, and he brings his mouth back to mine, lips parted, tongue flitting across mine. My mind screams at the pure bliss, urging my hands to the rim of hisjeans.

He pulls back, fixing his eyes questioningly on mine. His eyebrows raise. _Are you sure? _they ask. I nod slightly, and he squeezes his eyes shut. Then they flash open and he kisses me briefly, then collapses on the bed and pulls me on top of him.

He leans back his head, and closes his eyes, as if to say _I'm yours. _

:)

If anyone were to walk into our room this morning, they could easily guess what had happened last night. Clothes strewn all over the room, Light and I tangled in sweat-stained sheets... You didn't have to be a detective to figure it out. What they wouldn't know was every passionate, love-filled momentof the night, the feel of Light Yagami's skin still burning against mine, every beat of our hearts in sync. I lie on top of him, my hair a matted, wild mess, his warm breath sweeping faintly across my jaw. I've never felt so tranquil.

I sigh and make myself get up without waking Light. I collect my clothing and take a shower. When I get out and Light is still dozing, I kiss him awake. A smile forms on his lips as he opens his eyes.

"Good morning," he breathes.

"Time to get up," I say softly. He pulls me back down and kisses me for a long time, hands playing in my still-wet hair.

"Do I have to?" he sighs when we finally break apart.

I wish we could stay here all day, but there is still planning in the Higuchi case, and even if there wasn't, it would cause suspicion in the others if we just didn't leave our room.

"Come on," I tell him. "I want to have breakfast."

He laughs. "Of course."

"What, and you're not hungry too?" I question him.

"Starving," he admits. "I've burned off any calories I took in yesterday – and then some." Kissing my hair, he gets up and dresses. "Let's go then."

I realize then that Light _can't _be Kira. Not now. The damage that would be done if he was is something I can't even stand to think about. And if he was – if he ever _is_ again – then I won't be L anymore. Because I can't be his enemy.

I find myself remembering Romeo and Juliet. I never liked their story. But the scene where Juliet says, "_Wherefore art thou Romeo?" _stands out to me. She said she would give up her name if he asked her to, and that's how I feel about Light. I guess he is my Romeo. I'm thinking that's kind of cute when I remember something else. Their story was a tragedy. They both died.

_Are Light and I doomed to the same fate?_

**A/N: This chapter is shorter than the others – slightly under 1000 words – and I'm sorry, but the last chapter was the longest yet, and I just posted it today, so I don't feel so bad. I'll post another hopefully average-length or longer chapter tomorrow!**


	11. Chapter 10

The plan to catch Higuchi is in action. We watch as Matsuda's face is revealed on television, and Higuchi calls Midou in distress, trying to convince him to stop the show. However, Midou reminds him that they all know who Matsuda is, and Kira can just kill him off. Higuchi is the only one who knows otherwise. He calls Mogi next and asks about Matsuda, but he's only redirected to the president of Yoshida.

"This is going exactly as planned," I say. I'm glad, because that makes things easier, but... "It's almost scary."

"You shouldn't be scared Light," Ryuzaki tells me. "You should be happy." Happy? Yes. Unless catching Higuchi reveals that I was once Kira.

Watari connects us to the call between Higuchi and the Yotsuba president. Higuchi immediately asks for Taro Matsui's real name.

"He's not even pretending to hide what he's asking about, is he?" Misa laughs. "Stupid Higuchi."

"If he's acting like that, it's because he's beginning to panic," Ryuzaki says. People do stupid things when they panic, which is beneficial to us. While he stresses, we will be able to keep a good grip on the situation. The president tells Higuchi that Matsuda's file is at his office, and suggests he go look at it himself if he wishes. He has two hours until we announce Kira's real name, and he heads to the Yoshida building. This is good. We can track him in his car, and we have Wedy to follow him closely. We watch Higuchi on one screen, and the program on Sakura TV on another.

"As expected, Higuchi's watching every minute of this in his car," I say. Then, after Matsuda says that Higuchi only knows one of the two things he needs about him, Higuchi speaks.

"Rem, what do you think?"

_Rem? What is he talking about?_

"There's no one else in that car right?" I ask, confused. "It's impossible for someone to be hiding without us knowing. He isn't using his cell phone... Could it be a hidden radio?"

"No," Ryuzaki denies immediately. "There aren't any hidden radios or other devices. Only the things Wedy placed; I have no doubt that she did a thorough job."

Higuchi speaks again. "Do you think I'll get to Yoshida productions only to find his file isn't there?"

If there's no one there, then... "Is he talking to himself?"

"If this guy was smart, he would destroy anything that connects him with his real name before he appeared on TV. And don't you think it's a little _too _reckless for Yoshida productions to just let me into their office without being supervised?" Higuchi wonders. I assume he's just thinking out loud. "Maybe not. If there was a robbery, they would figure out right away who did it since I know where the key is..."

"This isn't sounding very good," Misa says worriedly. It _does_ sound like he's second-guessing whether or not this is all a trap.

"He'll still go there," Ryuzaki assures us. "Don't you worry."

"Even if he does have a file there, it _could _be just another alias," Higuchi is continuing. "Damn it! I wouldn't put it past this guy to do something like that. No wonder he's confident." He pauses for a moment, then says, "Yeah, I already know that much myself. But just to be on the safe side, I should also kill the people I contacted at Yoshida productions. That includes the president, Misa, and that manager of hers."

"What?" Misa gasps. "No way! He's gonna kill me?" I can tell she's scared, but Ryuzaki is always one step ahead.

"It's alright, don't worry," he tells her. "He's talking about doing that _after _he's killed Matsuda. There'd be no point in killing the rest of you until he's gotten rid of a main threat." And if all goes well, we'll have caught him before he can kill anyone.

I don't really care if Misa dies either way, but for show, I comment."That's true, but still..."

"Oh yeah," Higuchi says. "Rem, I didn't think you were so smart. Then I'll make them all erase their call history before they die..."

Rem again. "There's _no way _he can just be talking to himself!" I exclaim. "But who's Rem? _Who is he talking to?" _

"If he's talking to someone right now, it could be..." Ryuzaki pauses for a second. "A shinigami. Perhaps."

"_No_," Higuchi says suddenly. "I'd end up being ruined if I did that." I assume he's realized the flaw in his plan of just erasing their call history, but he's not done. "Even if I forgot the notebook, this guy says he has concrete evidence to back him up." _Notebook? What does he mean by that? "_ If he points out Yotsuba's recent growth on the air, no one would ever doubt his claims! They'd believe whatever he said! That means, whoever he says is Kira will be marked as Kira! Even if he didn't have proof, and I got rid of the evidence by returning the notebook, my life would be over. I wouldn't get promoted, I wouldn't even be able to stay with Yotsuba!"

He arrives at Yoshida, and Ryuzaki says, "The show's about to begin."

He goes inside, and we watch his progress up to the office where the files are. He's on camera as he searches through the desk he was told contains Matsuda's file. Mogi notes that they are in position and ready to take him down on our command. But all he does is write the name on Matsuda's file down and leave.

_What? _"He's not doing anything! He's not gonna kill him here?" I'm confused. Why would he wait? He doesn't have much time before Matsuda reveals his name. What is he thinking?

"Ryuzaki, do you want us to apprehend him?" Mogi asks quietly as Higuchi passes.

"Negative," Ryuzaki replies. "We still don't know _how _he kills." Then he adds to us, "Perhaps he's planning to do something once he's back in the car." This makes sense. He could assume he's on film in the building, but safe in his own car. _I need to calm down_, I tell myself. We watch him, but he doesn't seem to be in any hurry anymore.

"It's weird," I say. "You'd think he'd be desperate to kill Matsuda this very second, but he's calm."

"It is strange," Ryuzaki agrees. "If all he needed was a name, you'd think he'd have taken the personnel file, but he put it back in the drawer when he was done..."

We continue to watch, but he just sits and waits. Then he sudden shouts. "_Damn, he didn't die!"_

"What's he talking about?"

"Did he already try to kill Matsuda?" Ryuzaki wonders. "Was writing his name down all he needed to do, or was it..." He trails off.

"What do we do now?" I ask him. "Should we just continue watching what he's doing? What if he can cause a death by just imagining it?" We still have no idea how he does it, and we're running out of time. Higuchi cries out again, grabbing his phone and smashing a number into it.

"It's probably for Misa," Ryuzaki says, just as her phone rings. She shuts it off, and Higuchi throws his phone angrily. Then he calms himself slightly and utters, "Rem, let's make the deal."

"The deal?" I wonder. "Who is this Rem person he keeps talking to? Could it really be that Kira's power comes from another world or some being?" A shinigami, as Ryuzaki said. What would that mean?

:)

"I _really _don't want to think that's the case," I answer. If Kira's power is the work of a shinigami, that would be harmful to Light's case. If it was a shinigami, how hard could it have been for them to pass their power from him to Higuchi?

"Then _what _is this Rem?" Light asks.

"A shinigami?" I worry. "Whatever it is, we need to keep watching. We'll learn nothing if we take him now. We may still be able to find out how he kills."

Higuchi is suddenly grinning. He speeds off, but is soon spotted by a police officer, and pulled over. Wedy can no longer follow him, but we keep watch to see what happens. The officer asks for his licence, and he reaches into his bag, searching for it. This is only a distraction, because a moment later he drives away, the cop yelling after him. Mogi and Aiber are following behind them, and he updates us that the cop just rear-ended a truck, and he's dead.

"He's _dead_?" Light exclaims. "By accident?"

"This is very bad," I mutter. All he'd done was reached in his bag. Could he have done something then? And how had he gotten that cop's name? Maybe he only needs a face like the second Kira. No, because Matsuda would already be dead if that was the case. _What's going on?_

"Everyone, it's too dangerous to allow further action by Higuchi. Let's bring him in!" I command. "I believe he has the same powers as the second Kira. He's able to kill just by looking at someone's face! Please keep this in mind when you move in to arrest him." Something about this Rem, and a deal, and he can kill someone without knowing their name. These things are related, I'm almost certain. We can't waste anymore time, otherwise Matsuda will be dead soon too.

I contact the NPA and tell them to apprehend Higuchi, giving his whereabouts, but not to get too close to his car. Then Light tells his dad to take measure 7 – that is, to switch Matsuda and the interviewer with mannequins, but pretend nothing's changed, and evacuate the building.

_We're so close to catching him._

"So then, Light, what's say we go and join the fun as well?" I say. I then tie Misa to her chair, a necessary precaution. She can't go anywhere now, and Light is coming with me.

We take the elevator up to the top floor. I realize I might not have much time now, so I reach up and kiss Light fiercely. He pushes me back gently when the elevator dings, and promises we'll be okay.

"We're going to get him," he assures me. "Don't worry."

_And when we get him, what happens to you? What if I have to lose you?_

We head up the ladder that leads to the roof, and Watari is already waiting. We make our way to the helicopter, and I take the driver's seat.

"I didn't know you could pilot a helicopter. It's incredible," Light says in awe.

I brush aside the compliment. "You can figure it out with intuition."

Light notices Higuchi on the map – headed the opposite direction of Sakura TV. I'm assuming he's going to Yotsuba's head office. I call Wedy, and confirm that anything related to Matsuda has been removed from their headquarters. She tells me she'll go meet with Mr. Yagami to set up the ambush planned. Higuchi reaches Yotsuba, and then leaves moments later. Light calls Soichiro and tells him to expect Higuchi soon.

Moments later, Higuchi arrives, followed by Mogi and Aiber. We don't know what's happening until Mogi radios in.

"L, Higuchi has a gun on him!" he tells me. "The chief's been shot, Higuchi's escaping!"

"I'm alright. Sorry, Ryuzaki," Yagami cuts in, sounding like he's in severe pain. "If we pursue him right now, we can still catch him. Hurry!"

"This is bad," Light says. "He's escaped from Sakura TV!"

That means it's up to us to apprehend him. Watari sits in the back as our sniper in case Higuchi needs to be taken down. But that's not enough for me. Light needs to be protected. As we head after Higuchi, I hold up a gun.

"Light, I think you should hold on to this," I say. "For self-defense. This is Kira we're after."

He denies me. "No thanks. Firearms aren't allowed in Japan." This is a life and death situation, and he's worrying about the law? He could die, does that mean nothing to him?

He is the son of a police officer though. "I'm sure your father would say the same thing," I mutter. _That doesn't make me okay with it though._

We keep on Higuchi's trail, and then suddenly he's gone onto an empty street – that's been blocked by the police! I'm wondering how, when the police were no longer complying with us, but then I realize, it must be Aizawa. I am nothing but grateful to him. Higuchi is forced to stop, and I'm just about to land the helicopter when he tries to escape again, but Watari blows one of his tires and the chase is finally over. He threatens to shoot himself, but Watari shoots the gun out of his hand first.

"It's over," Light says.

"Yes," I whisper, unsure of what will happen to him now. "It's over."


	12. Chapter 11

The next few moments happen in a blur – my father apprehends Higuchi and puts a headset on him. Ryuzaki asks how he kills people, and he admits that he has a notebook – _a notebook! _– that allows him to kill simply by writing a name. My father retrieves the notebook, and then starts yelling about a monster. A monster? Mogi touches the book and sees it too. Then Ryuzaki asks to see the book for himself. Mogi hands him the note. He takes hold of it, and after a second, utters, "A shinigami. They really do exist."

:)

_Light Yagami is Kira. _

This is how Kira kills. And the second Kira... Two books, there have to be two books, possibly more.

_This isn't over yet. _There is another book out there somewhere. I glance down at the one in my hands – but it's gone. I slowly turn to face Light Yagami.

His eyes are wide open, looking utterly traumatized. I am just about to speak when he screams.

_Light! Light! Light! _My heart cries out. He's gone, in his own world of pain and horror – and then it's over. He gasps, panting. I force myself to stay calm.

"Are you okay, Light?" I ask. "I suppose seeing that monster would surprise anyone." But Light chases monsters, he isn't the type to be _scared _of them.

"Ryuzaki," he says in a familiar voice. My heart stops.

_Kira._

"What is it?" I manage to get out. His voice is the ice-cold, heartless voice it was before he was imprisoned.

"I wanna check this out. I'm gonna try comparing the names written in this notebook with the names of the victims."

My head is screaming at me that this is dangerous. Having that notebook must make him Kira again and he has to be stopped now. But I can hardly hear it over the sound of my heart shattering. I have to resist the urge to hid my face in my hand and start crying. I can't convict him, can't hurt him without destroying myself. I can't kill Light, therefore I can't beat Kira.

_He's won_.

:)

_I've won. _The notebook was given to Higuchi, I was proved innocent, and now we've caught Higuchi and it's made it back to me. _Exactly as planned. _

Well, not exactly. I didn't anticipate falling in love with Ryuzaki. No, who am I kidding? That was just me being stupid, I'm not in love with my enemy! Although it will be useful, love is a weakness that I can use against him. Because L dies next. No, Higuchi first. Then L. I write Higuchi's name on a piece of paper I have in my watch, forced to use my own blood. But it works. After a long 40 seconds, Higuchi collapses, dead.

"Dad, what are you doing?" I cry, pretending to be concerned. "We can't lose him!" But we already have. I have to hold back my laughter. I know L saw it happen. I wonder if he fears for his life now.

He should.

:)

I watch Higuchi drop, and know he is dead. It can't have been Light – I'd have seen him write the name. Is this part of the deal with the notebook – once someone else has it, you die? But why would it wait until Light had the book?

_Because Light is Kira. Light has had this planned all along. _I don't want to believe it, but I have to. Light is not innocent or kind. Any act in such manner has been just that – an act. He does not care about me or anyone else. He is a ruthless murderer. He will kill anyone that stands in his way unless he is stopped. It hurts to think these words, but I cannot deny myself the truth. _Throw your heart out the window, he's already done as much. _Emotions will only be deadly now.

We make our way back to headquarters in silence. Light, no doubt basking in the fact that his power has returned to him, sits going over the notebook. I think about the current situation. I should kill him now. Do I crash the helicopter, or ask Watari to shoot him? Could I ask for the notebook and then write his name in it? But honestly, would I even be able to kill him if I tried? I can't live without Light. I'm reconsidering finding an empty space and crashing, but that would mean killing Watari as well. Damn it! I can't win! I should just kill myself-

I _could_.

The notebook in Light's hands – I could easily write my own name. And who could stop me?

We reach headquarters and shortly after, the rest of the team – including Aizawa and the shinigami, Rem – settle in awkwardly. It will take time to adjust to the shinigami. They start discussing the notebook – it is filled with rules on how to use it, and Aizawa reads them aloud. They are simple mostly – "the human whose name is written in this note shall die" being the first and most logical rule. But Aizawa finds two rules at the back – "If you make this note unusable by tearing it up or burning it, all the humans who have touched the note will then die." Meaning, we can't destroy it. Fine. Then Aizawa reads the last rule.

"According to these instructions, if the person using the notebook fails to consecutively write names of people to be killed within 13 days of each other, then the user will die."

_That means Light can't be Kira. _Matsuda says it just as I'm thinking it, and I go from relief to suspicion. What if that's what Kira wants us to believe?

"Rem, was it?" I address the shinigami. "That's your name isn't it, the white thing over there?"

Matsuda squeaks about how it's rude to calm someone a "white thing"- especially a shinigami – but it cuts him off, asking what I want. I ask if there's more than one notebook in our world. It pauses before answering.

"Who knows?" it drawls. "There may be and there may not be." The lack of a straight up answer further confirms my theory – that the rule is a lie. I next question if all the notebooks have the same rules. She validates this, and then Aizawa comes in.

"Ryuzaki," he reproves. "Both Light and Misa have both been cleared of suspicion. They shouldn't be under surveillance any longer."

"I suppose you're right," I lie. Because I do not yet believe that they are innocent. All evidence points to them.

I don't know why I'm fighting so hard against it – the book and the shinigami proved that they _can't _be Kira. They're free, _Light _is free! I should be happy, but something feels wrong. _No, they're not guilty. Light is yours now._

"I understand," I say. Then to Light, as I promised him, I add, "Please, accept my apology for all the trouble?"

He smiles.

:)

Just a few nights ago, L told me if I was innocent, he would apologize. Hearing him say it now is further proof that _I've won. _Soon I will kill L and this will all be over.

"We still can't say we've solved the case until we figure out everything," I say. "Would it be alright if I kept investigating with you?" This is crucial. I have to remain close to him, so I can find out his name. Then I add, "Without the handcuffs on."

"Yes," he replies simply. And just like that, Misa and I are proven innocent. A notebook of death filled with rules written by a shinigami – he has no choice but to believe it. And as punishment for defying the god of the new world...

He will die.

**A/N: :( I think there will only be three or so more chapters after this. I'm going to cry writing them.**


	13. Chapter 12

I spend the night immersed in the Death notebook. Light goes off with Misa and I feel anger, hatred, sadness – something I've come to recognize as jealousy. Light is finally free and I can't even be with him because of Misa. So I go over the notebook again and again, memorizing the rules, occasionally asking the shinigami questions. It's very late when Light comes in.

"Ryuzaki, why haven't you gone to bed yet?" he asks, crossing the room towards me.

"Hm? Oh, I'm not tired," I lie. "Feel free to go ahead without me. We're not connected anymore, remember?"

He's reached my chair, spinning it around and sliding his fingers under my chin. "I don't want to go to bed without you," he murmurs, his eyes holding mine. The tension is agonizing, but I refuse to give in to him first. When he realizes this, he mutters seductively, "Come with me." I put the notebook down as he pulls on my hand, dragging me to our room.

He shoves me against the walls and throws me on the bed rougher than usual, biting harder and kissing more passionately than ever. I'm just as fiery as he is though, because he's finally _mine_.

"Light..." I mumble as I nibble his ear.

"Shut up and kiss me," he groans, pulling on my hair and forcing my lips down to his. He fumbles with his shirt, trying desperately to rip it off, then claws up my sides, tearing my shirt off too. I lean down and kiss his chest, sliding my tongue slowly down his abs. He moans loudly and vigorously smashes me into the wall. Kneeling on the bed, he pins me there and bites my lip, tongue gliding across it and exploring my mouth. I press against his chest and he forces me back, every part of his body touching mine. His tongue slips out of my mouth and he kisses down my jaw, fingers trailing over my chest. My head leans back involuntarily and I shudder. Then a thought crosses my mind and I reach past him, under the bed. I pull up a bottle, and unscrew it, pushing Light backwards and climbing on top of him. He glances at the bottle, then laughs.

"Chocolate sauce? Of course," he smirks, then shivers as I trail some down his body and slowly lick it off. "Damn it," he groans, pulling my face to his and encircling his tongue around mine. The he traces my body with chocolatey kisses and undoes my jeans with his teeth. I roll on top of him and slide my body down his, fighting my tongue with his as I slide down his pants.

_I could get used to this._

:)

I sleep with L again, telling myself it's only to deceive him, but I know that's not it. I want him. I love him. No use denying it – you can't fake what we have. And I don't just mean the sex, it's so much more than that. The part of me that's Kira says he's an enemy, and these actions are only to destroy him. But the part that's Light knows otherwise. I long for him to be near me all the time. I hate myself for loving him, knowing that I can't be his enemy and lover, I have to choose one.

Without the Death note, I could have L, but then I couldn't clean up this rotten world and rule it. And with the Death note, I would be a god. What's one life? It's not as if I could never fall in love again. I'll never have another chance to rule the world.

Over the next couple days, Kira and Light battle to possess me. During the day, I'm Kira pretending to be Light – helping L figure out this case while planning how to kill him. At night, I'm Light with the power of Kira, having sex with L and passing out afterwards, exhausted. Even he starts sleeping better.

One day, I tell Misa to start killing criminals again, and soon after, L catches on. As Kira, I find it hilarious, and then, playing with the fact that Rem is in the room, I ask what would happen to Kira if we caught him. A death sentence. And he suspects Misa again, although we rebuke the idea. Rem hears it all, and she knows what it means – L or Misa, who will die? The choice is hers. She loves Misa, but would she sacrifice her life for her?

:)

I feel like Light is two different people. He maintains a cold relationship, the likes of him when I suspected he was Kira. I still haven't decided whether this is an act, or if he is again possessed by Kira. But when there's no one else around, he's Light. I can hardly call him innocent, but... he's definitely Light. However, the split personality thing confuses me, and, despite the fact that I've started sleeping again, I'm haunted by nightmares. Memories.

One night I dream of a time shortly after Watari found me. It was the day of my parents funeral, and we stood outside the gates of the church, the bells loudly ringing. Over and over and over... When I wake up, I have to force myself to keep from screaming. I dress and hurry to Watari's office, the bells still ringing. I break into a run when I reach his hallway and yank the door open. He spins in his chair, looking surprised.

"Ryuzaki, is something the matter?" he asks worriedly. "What is it?" He stares at me for a moment but I can't answer. "What's wrong?" I just stand there, and the bells scream on. I collapse on my knees, my hands over my ears, trying to block itout. "Ryuzaki!"

He sits down beside me, taking my hands and moving them away from my ears.

"They won't stop!" I gasp. "Make them stop!"

"Make what stop, Ryuzaki?"

"_The bells!_"

"There aren't any bells," he tells me. I break down, and he hugs me as I sob into his shoulder. "It's alright, Ryuzaki..."

"N-no, it's not!" I cry. "Nothing is alr-right!"

"What are you talking about?" he asks quietly. Watari. He's the closest thing I have to a father. He raised me, cared for me, and he's the only one I can trust.

"It's L-Light," I tell him, still shaking. "I – I love him, and I c-_can't_! He's K-Kira, I know it, but I'm in l-love with him anyway! I c-can't win!"

"Ryuzaki, hasn't he been cleared of your suspicion yet?" he asks. "Everyone else believes he is innocent – it's been proven! He can't be Kir-"

"I'm _sure _he is!" I yell. "I know it, or I wouldn't have this problem!" I start crying again. "Damn it, I should just write my name in that stupid book!"

"_No _Ryuzaki," he says firmly. "You shouldn't. This will all work out, one way or the other."

"I c-can't kill him, Watari," I sob. "I love him. More than anything in the world. Maybe I was never meant to love – maybe I'm not allowed. That's why it's him, because I can't love him-"

"L, listen to me," he says. I look up, and his eyes hold mine. "If you truly love him, you'll always be together. Maybe not in this life, but you'll always be in each other's hearts. I know it's hard, but it won't always be. Now go be with him, you don't know how long you have left together."

The words are harsh, but I obey them. When I get back to my room, I crawl into bed beside Light and curl up close to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He stirs and turns to look at me.

"I love you," I breathe, kissing his lips gently. I start to pull away, but his hand twists into my hair and he kisses me whole-heartedly, not letting me go until I'm gasping for air. I fall asleep in his arms.

And I know that kiss will be our last.

:(


	14. IMPORTANT Please read :

Well, we've gotten to that part. The part where L... :( Well anyways, _that _part. So here's what I'm going to do.

I am writing this fanfiction based on the events that actually happened, but a lot of people think that there should be a happy ending. So I'm compromising (sort of?). I am going to write three more chapters – and they will all be _long_. And they will all be different endings – one being the original ending as it happened in the anime (and by ending, I mean the part where L... well... anyways), and two alternate endings, different than what happened in the anime. (Yay.) You can read one, or all three, it's up to you.

The first will be titled "L's Ending". The second will be called "Light's Ending", the third "Kira's Ending". I won't tell you what's going to happen, but unfortunately this is going to take some time to write – three long chapters that I want to post all at the same time. But I will _try _to get them up by next Sunday (the 24th). Okay? Thanks for reading, I hope you all will enjoy these chapters; I know I will cry writing them all.


	15. L's Ending

When I wake up, Light isn't there, and I don't bother to look for him. I lay in bed for a long time, and I can't stop the bells from ringing. Eventually I get up, searching for somewhere loud in hopes that noise will tune them out. I end up on the roof, where it's raining and windy and – not loud enough. I just stand there though, and soon after I'm soaked and cold, but the bells ring on. It feels like a warning. The bells I heard at the funeral, the last place... Like they're signifying the end. My end.

But I've accepted my fate. Kira will kill me, because I can't kill Light. I accept defeat, something I never thought would ever happen. L, the greatest detective in the world, has finally lost. For the first time in my life, I find myself praying to a God – not Kira, not a shinigami, but the real thing. I never believed in a higher power before, but after seeing Death notebooks and shinigami, who knows? I don't pray for myself – I am beyond forgiveness. I have sent too many people to their deaths, let too many innocent lives be cut off early. I am unforgivable. Instead, I pray for Light. For his happiness, for a long life, to find someone who will love him as much as I do, that he'll love in return. And that he won't be found to be Kira – that he'll give up the Death note and no one will be able to track any evidence to him. He may deserve to be convicted, but it wasn't his fault – I am convinced that the notebook possesses the user, turns them into someone evil. I pray he'll get away, and have a happy ending.

I call Watari, and work out a plan with him. He's not pleased, but he agrees to it. Then I just stand there and allow the rain to soak through me.

Moments later, I hear a voice carried over the rain, and turn to see Light. He's said something that I can't hear. But I can see that he is Kira right now. I hold my hand up to my ear to show I didn't hear him, and he repeats himself, but I still don't hear him, and I want him to come out here, Kira or not. He sighs and comes out into the rain. By the time he reaches me, he's already drenched.

"What are you doing Ryuzaki?" he asks, sounding irritated. _Waiting to die, _I think.

"Oh. I'm not doing anything in particular, I just... I hear the bell." He says he doesn't hear anything. "Really? You can't hear it? It's been ringing non-stop all day. I find it very distracting." I ramble on senselessly, wondering where the sound is coming from, what it means. He asks me what I'm talking about, obviously thinking I'm insane. Then he tells me to cut it out, and says we should get back inside.

"I'm sorry," I mutter, lowering my head and turning away from him. "Nothing I say makes any sense anyway. If I were you, I wouldn't believe any of it." This is more directed at Kira, hoping it will anger him. Hoping he will kill me, and end this fight. I just want it to be over.

He agrees with me. "There would be no end to my troubles if I took you seriously all the time. I probably know that better than anyone." I wonder what exactly he's referring to, but it doesn't matter.

"Yes, I would say that's a fair assessment. But..." I pause. "I could say the same about you."

"What's _that _supposed to mean?"

I can sense he's annoyed by me, and it won't take much more to push him over. _Come on Kira, kill me already. I'm waiting. _

"Tell me Light," I say. "From the moment you were born, has there ever been a point where you've actually told the truth?" He glares, and I return the hard look. _Do you have a death wish? _He's wondering.

Yes.

"Where's this coming from, Ryuzaki?" he wonders when he's composed himself. I suppose if I were him, I would be confused as well. Hadn't I just last night told him I loved him? But that's just it. I can't have him while he's Kira- no, he can't have me _and_ Kira. And I understand. Why choose one person over the whole world?

"Let's go back inside," I sigh. "We're both drenched."

Light turns and leaves ahead of me, and I slowly follow, but lose track of him soon after. I head to our room and grab a towel, and know that he's been there because the trail of water he left. I stick the towel on my head and follow the trail, soon coming to the staircase at the end of the hall. He's sitting there, drying off.

"Well, that was an unpleasant outing," I say, thinking of our converation.

"It's your own fault," he says coolly. "What did you expect?"

"You're right," I answer, hiding the sadness from my voice. I was the one trying to envoke him. I can't help but add, "Sorry." I watch him for a moment, wishing he wasn't Kira, telling myself how foolish that thought is. Then I go and sit at his feet, drying them off for him. I know my death closing in on me, and I want to do something for him before I go, to say I'm sorry for everything I've done, and to thank him for showing me love. It's small, but it's the best I can do.

"W-what are you doing?" he asks me coldly.

"I thought I might help you out," I say quietly. "You were busy wiping yourself off anyway."

"Look, i-it's fine," he says quickly. "You don't have to do that-"

"I can give you a massage as well," I interrupt. "It's the least I can do to atone for my sins." I see understanding in his eyes. He realizes I'm talking to Kira. "I'm actually pretty good at this," I add coaxingly.

He rolls his eyes. "Fine, do what you want." He's giving in, but not because he longs for affection, but just to shut me up. _Light Yagami is gone_.

My hair is still dripping, and then I feel him brush it dry with his towel. "Here," he mumbles. "You're still soaked." _Light. _No, he's not gone, he's still in there, but barely.

"_I'm sorry_," I say quietly. For everything I've forced you to go through. For being your enemy. For falling in love with you. For leaving you. I feel like my throat has closed as I'm overcome with sadness. I can't imagine being without Light.

"It'll be lonely, won't it?" I wonder out loud. I look up at him, and he's confused. Of course, he hasn't been following my train of thought. "You and I will be parting ways soon." I can't fully contain the broken feeling that runs through me, and I sigh softly. Then my phone rings. It's Watari.

"The plan is in motion," is all he says.

"I understand," I say, hanging up my phone. "Come on, let's go Light," I say. "It seems like it's all worked out." When I had called Watari earlier, I had told him to make false arrangements to have the Death notebook transported to be used by a criminal sentenced to death in two weeks. If he doesn't die after 13 days, the rule is fake, and then I can go back to suspecting Light openly. Or at least, that's how it will appear to everyone else.

In reality, this is just a plan to set Kira off. He will know if the criminal won't die, and he'll kill me if that's the case.

When we reach the office, Matsuda immediately starts yelling, wondering what's going on. I sit in my seat and tell Watari he's done well.

"Ryuzaki, what are you trying to do?" Light asks.

I hesitate, then say, "I'm going to try out the notebook for real."

The idea is instantly rejected, but I explain my thoughts clearly.

"But still, to sacrifice a life-" Soichiro starts.

"We're very close," I snap harshly. "If we work this out, the _entire case _will be solved." Meaning, Light is Kira. He understands this. As soon as the words escape my mouth, the power flickers out, and then comes back on. I hear Watari groaning. _No!_

"Watari!" I cry. No! Watari wasn't supposed to be targeted as well! A message appears on our screens. "All data deletion". Watari is dead.

Which means I'm next.

"What the hell's going on?" Aizawa shouts.

"I told Watari to make sure to delete all information in the event that something were to happen to him."

"_Something _were to happen?" Aizawa asks. He understands.

"Where is the shinigami?" I ask. She is the one who wrote Watari's name. Who will write -or maybe already has wrote- my name. But they must know that it was Rem. They can't suspect Light. Even if he is Kira, he can get away.

"Everyone the shinig-"

My heart.

_It's over._

My eyes widen, and the world seems to fall into slow motion. I feel myself lurching sideways as I lose my balance, so slowly it's almost like I'm not moving at all. But I am falling. The ground inches closer and closer. A hundred years, or just one second, later, I'll reach the floor. But I never do.

Light catches me. Light, not Kira, breaks my fall.

The sounds of the world fade away, and I hear the bells chiming louder than ever. Then my mother's voice comes to me in broken segments.

_You'll do anything for them... The person you love... more than anyone else... your soul mate... someone you would die for._

I can see him now. Light. He looks scared, confused, disbelieving. But then, Kira is there. I can see it, a black aura that clouds over Light, and he grins wildly. _You've won._

My eyes close, and then everything is gone.

:(

I watch Ryuzaki fall, and I know something is wrong. I spring forward and catch him before he hits the ground, holding him up and staring into this wide obsidian eyes that have never looked so innocent. I can feel my heart breaking in two. But then I realize, I've won. I've gotten exactly what I wanted. His eyes slide close, and Kira backs away, giving me time to wonder if maybe that's not what I want. I had never really decided. But no, now I could rule the world, Kira reminds me.

It's finally over. I've finally won.

:)

Years later, I find myself faced with death. Kira has finally been caught. I've lived the past few years as God, but always missing L. At the time, I'd never realized how much he meant to me, but it hit me harder every passing day he's been gone. He was the first person I had such a connection to. And I miss him. So upon finally reaching my last moments in this world, I do not feel sorrow or regret. I feel myself anticipating seeing him again.

_Now we can be together, with no obstacles in our way._


	16. Light's Ending

Ryuzaki. Kira. I can't have both. I can't rule the world with L still in it. But... I love him. And I can't make myself believe I'll ever find anyone else – I won't. I have to decide.

What if I'd never found the Deathnote? I wouldn't be Kira. I wouldn't know Ryuzaki. I wouldn't have to choose. But maybe... maybe one day I would have met him, fallen for him. But I _did _find that notebook, and despite what Ryuk says, I feel it was I who was destined to have it. I was meant to be Kira.

I spend the night thinking, unable to sleep, feeling Ryuzaki's warm body cuddled against mine. I could have him if I just gave up the notebook, and my reign over the world. Was one person worth that? Would a god give up everything for one human? _Rem would_, I think. _For Misa. _She would do anything for Misa, because she loved her. _And besides, you're not a god. You're a boy with a notebook. _And without that, I'm a boy in love with someone who loves me back. Someone who could help me clean up this rotten world even without the powers of a shinigami. Maybe it's about time I realize that being God is just a dream – that I'm still only human, and I'm trying to step into shoes too big for me.

_It's been fun, but it's time this game ended._

When morning comes, I've made my choice. I open my eyes and expect to see Ryuzaki, but he's gone. That might be better though. I just have to go and forfeit the notebook now and he'll be mine. But... maybe I should confess. _No_. Even if he loves me, he would have to arrest me if he knew I was Kira. I couldn't do that to him. I head down to the main office, noticing that Ryuzaki is not there either, and Matsuda tells me that Misa is here to visit me.

_Misa. _I have to kill her. She's only in the way of Ryuzaki and I, and she's no longer of use to me. She was Kira's queen, not Light's. I don't go down to see her. Instead, I go to the room where the Death note is kept safe. I'll write Misa's name, and then give up the notebooks for good.

I'm halfway through writing the name when I hear someone speak behind me.

"Light Yagami, what are you doing?"

Rem.

I finish writing Amane's name. "I'm sorry Rem, I-"

She rips the book out of my hand, "No!" she cries. "Misa!" She looks up at me, horrified, and I feel slightly guilty. Then I remember. She'll kill me if anything happens to Misa.

"No!" I shout, too late. She's grabbed the pen out of my hand is already writing. I try to stop her, but she's already done, and she flings the book back at me.

She wrote my name.

:)

I'm on the roof in the pouring rain, trying to tune out the ringing that won't stop, when the loudest bell chimes. Something is wrong – death is near. Has Kira won over Light? Am I going to die in the next forty seconds?

I hurry downstairs, the bells finally gone silent. I've counted to forty, but I'm still alive. _What does this mean? _Maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe I'm just insane. But when I reach the office, I can tell something is wrong. Watari informs me that Misa has requested to come up and talk to the entire force. She has said she has something important to tell us. I agree to allow her up without questioning anything, and take a seat, bringing my knees up to my chest in anticipation. _The bells stop ringing, and now this? I am certain that this has to do with Kira. It will all be over soon. _I find myself bitiing my thumb nervously as I watch the elevator doors, and I can't help but wonder where Light is.

The doors open and Misa steps out at the same time Light appears in another doorway, Rem closely behind, both looking terrified. That doorway... leads to the room with the Death notebook. My heart misses a beat, and for a second I wonder if he wrote my name. But it just races.

"Light!" I stand up, taking a step towards him. "Light, what-"

"He's Kira," Misa interrupts. I stop. Everything in the world stops. I stare at Misa, and she turns to Light. "I'm sorry... Light Yagami is Kira and I'm the second Kira." With that, she collapses. Dead.

Light is Kira.

No one speaks, all stunned into silence at the turn of events. We stare from Light to Misa, comprehending. Light, Kira. Misa, dead.

"Ryuzaki," Light finally gets out. "I'm so sorry. No, let me finish," He cuts me off as I open my mouth. "I don't have long. I'm Kira. I wrote Misa's name to kill her so we could be together. I was going to forfeit ownership, I _swear. _But Rem... she caught me, and she made it so Misa would rat me out before she died, and then I would die a minute later." I can't think, don't understand. Light. Kira. Misa is dead. Light is going to die? The pieces aren't connecting, but he continues. "I'm so sorry, Ryuzaki. I love you. Ijust wanted to be with you. I love y-" He chokes and clutches at his chest, eyes widening, and he falls to his knees.

"_Light!_" I scream, flying forward and catching his shoulders. He raises his eyes to meet mine.

"L..." he breathes, and then his eyelids slowly slide shut. I shake him, shouting his name over and over, refusing to believe that he could possibly be dead. But his eyes won't open.

"Light! No! Light!" I'm crying and screaming senselessly. He's dead. He can't be dead! Light, no... I'm cradling him, tears and rain splashing his face. I brush them off as more fall.

"Light," I choke. I feel pain in my heart, like it's been ripped out and is being smashed into a million pieces. "Light, _please_... don't leave me..."

I don't care if he's Kira. He can't just be _gone. _I'm begging, sobbing, kissing him, not believing he is dead. Matsuda comes over and I scream again, telling him to get the hell away. Everyone is confused. They don't know, don't understand my actions. It doesn't matter. _Light..._

This is Misa's fault. If she wasn't around, Light could have given up the notebook and this wouldn't have happened. If Misa hadn't gotten in the way... But she's dead. And it wasn't her who killed Light.

_Rem._

I glance up at her, and strart shrieking wordlessly. She just stands there.

"How c-could you kill him?" I shout, sobbing. Everyone stares. They've never seen my like this, never really seen me show emotion. And here I am, furious and broken.

"He was Kira," she answers monotonously. That's not why. I already know shinigami don't take sides in human battles. She couldn't care less about who he was. "And he killed Misa."

"No one gave a damn about Misa!" I cry. "She was a stupid, useless-"

"I will write your name in my notebook," Rem warns angrily.

"Go ahead!" I retort. I don't want to live anymore anyways. Just then, Watari enters the scene. He sees Misa, then me, tears streaming down my face, still shaking, holding Light closely.

"L!" Watari, his paternal instincts taking over, forgets all context and hurries over to me. "What-"

"He's dead," I sob. "He's dead!" He reaches me and hesitates, unsure of what to do. "Kill me! Please!"

His eyes widen. "I'm sorry Ryuzaki, I can't do that."

"Light was Kira," I tell him. "Case closed. There's nothing more for me here. And I was willing to risk my life for this case. I was prepared. Kira won. He won! Tell the world Kira and L got each other simultaneously. Near can be my successor-"

"No, L," he disagrees immediately. "You can't-"

"Rem, give me that notebook!" I shout over him. "That's the least you can do for me now."

Rem glares. "I owe you nothing," she states coldly.

"You killed him!" I yell. "I loved him, and you killed him! He's dead..." I break down again. "Light, I'm sorry. I should've saved you..." Tears pour down my face, and I close my eyes, pressing my forehead against his.

"L Lawiet." I glance up at Rem. She's holding the notebook open, the anger on her face replaced with sorrow and sympathy. "I understand how you feel. I hope you two will be happy together in your next life." I can see a tear in her eye, and I look down at Light. 40 seconds. My eyes close.

_So our story ends, just like Romeo and Juliet._

"Thank you all," I say calmly. "For everything. Watari, Rem... even Matsuda. But I have somewhere to be now." I pause.

"Light, I'll see you soon."


End file.
